The Indignant Citizen's Election Night Observations

It is 10 p.m. on Election Night in Chicago, and a fog has descended on the city and the suburbs. Fog has a tendency to distort reality. Sounds shift, so that a thing making noise in one place is actually someplace else. On a night when Democrats wrested control of the House back from the morally and intellectually bankrupt Republican elite, Cook County voters appeared blind to the realities of local politics.

Democratic half-wit Todd Stroger’s lead for the Cook County Board President’s seat stood at 55% to 44% over Republican wing-nut Tony Peraica. Technically voters had a choice, but it was kind of like choosing between prison rape and a proctological exam by Andre the Giant. We could have elected Stroger, the son of the former county boss and stroke victim John Stroger , who hasn’t had a thought that wasn’t planted by the Machine, or Peraica, who’d probably reform government just fine but who’d also like to ban abortions.

At 10:22 p.m., Stroger’s lead has shrunk to nine points, 54% to 45%.

Shortly before that, Gov. Rod Blagojevich told his supporters during his victory speech that Illinois residents “ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.” He’s probably right. We haven’t seen a sitting governor indicted in a while, for instance, and we ain’t seen “Gov. Pat Quinn” yet, either.

At 10:43 p.m., Melissa Bean is delivering her victory speech in the 8th Congressional District. She wished David McSweeney, her Republican challenger, and Bill Scheurer, whatever the fuck party he represented, all the best in their future endeavors. Translation: “McSweeney, you rat turd, I hope you get hit by a piece of frozen shit from a high-flying jetliner.” Kevin Roy interviewed David McSweeney, who blamed his loss on the fact that it was a “bad day for Republicans.” Yep, just got caught up in the tide. Not my fault. By the way, Roy, the ABC-7 reporter who interviewed McSweeney, used to work KGW in Portland, Ore.

CNN is projecting Democrats have officially taken control of the House of Representatives.

Fat Fuck Dennis Hastert can now ooze his way out of his Speaker of the House role. If he’s lucky he’ll get a defibrillator as a lovely parting gift.

At 11:09 p.m., Republican Peter Roskam is on TV claiming victory, in the 6th Congressional District over Democrat Tammy Duckworth. Duckworth has apparently called to concede. With 78% of the precincts reporting, Roskam has 51% of the vote to Duckworth’s 48%. This is not unexpected, given that it’s Republican Henry Hyde’s old seat, but Duckworth has to be disappointed to lose such a high-profile race. The national boys brought in the heavy artillery for this one.

Scandal-In-Waiting Alexi Giannoulias, a Democrat, has won the Illinois Treasurer’s race, with 52% of the vote. Looks like all major statewide offices will be in Democratic hands. The Indignant Citizen would predict a Republican backlash in four years, but it isn’t clear at this point that Illinois Republicans can even organize a simple phone tree.

At 10 after 11, it’s shocking, but apparently Cook County precincts are having trouble transmitting results electronically.

At 11:29 p.m., Stroger’s people are worried about their 11-point lead. Most of the 1,000 precincts left to be counted are in suburban Cook, where Peraica could out-draw Stroger 2-to-1. If Stroger’s people are holding off declaring victory with an 11-point lead, you know they’re worried. Peraica’s people are hearing from their township committeemen that the suburban precincts have yet to report, and they expect to win those 7-to-3. If some of the “white ethnic and lakefront liberal” votes come in for Peraica, the Machine may yet be crushed. ABC 7’s Chuck Goudie says at 11:32 p.m. that there are still problems at the county in terms of counting votes. Couldn’t they have tested this system beforehand? And aren’t these the same problems they had in the spring during the primaries? WTF?

At 11:41 p.m., Cook County officials have finally thrown up their hands and asked Cook County precinct workers with results yet to be tallied to actually load all the computer equipment into their cars and drive them down to the county headquarters in the Loop. Insane. This is exactly what happened in the primaries in March. Meanwhile half the precincts haven’t reported yet, and voters are left twisting in the wind as to who the new county board president will be.

If this results fiasco isn’t enough to convince people change is needed in Cook County leadership, then we deserve Todd Stroger.

Republican Mark Kirk won re-election in the 10th Congressional District.

More tomorrow when maybe Cook County officials will announce that for the next election voters will cast ballots using crayons and wide-ruled paper.

The Indignant Citizen